Oops! My bad. I'm being pretty delusional these past few days, with the 'balance' in my oh so wonderful life constantly constanly being disturbed by this thing I can't get over with. Details details details. And I can't get any more vague than this. I'm having problems confronting my issues. Or let's just say that I know what my problems are, I just don't know what to do with them anymore. And my being seasonal obsessive-compulsive just aggravates things. I can't help but think of it and then I succumb to eternal confusion.
Okay so back to reality. Spent Christmas at work. Way to go! *with much much sarcasm* I swear, that would be the first and last time that I'd be spending the holidays taking calls. I have to get out of that world really fast. Which means that I have to get enough dough as soon as possible. Gonna make money gonna make money! For grad school. For Macau. And for this trip I've been planning to get things settled, just because I need to get out of the city. So yeah, this is me whining at my current situation. This is me getting fed up and on the verge of burning out. This is me missing writing and doing all the things that I held so much with high principle. But I know, I just can't stop here. This is my life right now and I have to make the most out of it. This is my choice and I'm gonna be responsible for every decision that I made. On the bright side though, I learned how to make the necessary sacrifices for my family, which I think is the best lesson in here. Yeah, we gain more responsibilities as we grow older, I know that. Life is the nastiest bitch of all and she's been rubbing that fact to me ever since I finished school. But everything is cool. I was never a quitter and will never be.
So 2008 has been one hell of a year to me. Yes there were high times but what I mostly remember are the low points. Period. I started this year with high hopes of spending it with someone. But sudden turn of events led one thing to another. Words have already been said and feelings have already been bruised. Which reminds me of that phrase, "We can never replace someone. Once it is lost, it is already lost...blah blah blah." The point is I lost someone. It hurt. And I can never replace him or even get him back, which is the saddest part of all this drama. But that does not mean that I still love him. God, even on my drunken nights, I would try to search on the deepest recesses of my heart of any remains of what I used to feel for him. But I cannot find anything. I cannot even remember what I used to feel. Which just proves of my failure. You see, I may be fine with failing at work or at school. I can easily move forward from there. But I can't seem to forgive myself if it's my relationship with the people I held so dear that I just threw away. I'm having problems letting things go. And up to now, I still can't figure out on what would be the best thing to do.
Anyway, aside from R, I've also met other people, which is nice considering that it only proved that life does not stop with this once beautiful relationship gone wrong. But anyway, I didn't get much from that either aside from short term laughters with these special people. Yeah warm hugs and kisses that only lasted for one night or so. One week or so. One month or so. But no love lost on that. I knew what I asked for in the first place and it was not something that required a lot of inverstment in the heart department. But it still makes me smile whenever I think about it. Which just means that it was all fun for me. Whatever drama was involved, it was certainly other people's problems and not mine.
So yeah, 2008 just made my life more colorful. Though it is mostly characterized by tears and disappointment, I'm still grateful that I survived the whole year. So new year, newer me. I'd like to think that things can only get better from here. Yeah, walk straight ahead and never look back. Smile and feel fabulous : )
And oh yeah, Happy Holidays everyone!
